i just hope i smile everyday.
a smile to hide wad lies beneath.

i had a dream bout him.
its for 2 days in a row.
the first nyte was a dream dat i wish it wud happen.
but the other nyte, it was a disaster.

the touch was so real.
so warm. it just makes my heart melts.
but, in dat dream, he already hav a gf.
he touches my hand, just to comfort me.
i just wish he cud just held my hands n dont let it go.

n the other dream,
its just a dream dat i dont wanna tok bout it.
horrible.
scary.
i hope it wont happen. =[

at skewl.
dis two days was worse.
i didnt even make an eye contact wif him.
wad more talking to him.
c-ing him n her together up the stairs during break,
just makes my heart ache.
like a bomb exploded.
n yea, making it worse, she's sending him off.

todae too,
i tried hard to ignore him.
im sorie.
i knew u were looking at me,
but i tried my hardest not to look at u.
its just diff for me.
it was.
im sorry.
i reallie am.
i cant help feeling regret.

tmr no skewl.
so not gonna c u.
i wonder wad u r gonna do?
goin out wif her?
or sleeping at home?
when i wanted to chat wif u,
u werent online.
when i tried my best not to chat wif u,
u're online.
just wad is alll this??

oh God.
tell me wad's all this mean.
i wanna knoe.
pleasee.

cud i still hold on?

i just cud bearly hang on.

God, give me strength.
i am just too weak now......

its early in the morning ryte now.
n yet, i wud feel regret this very day.
its not a good day to start wif.
n of course not a good day to end wif.
not till i get to talk to him this very moment!
aaarggh.

okay. i actuallie saw this guy sitting near to the hall.
from behind, it reallie looks like him.
i didnt wanna get nearer, coz im scared i mite b wrong.
so i hanged ard at the hallway area.
i was still wondering if dat was reallie him.
if it was him,
wad was he doin there wif his head tilted downwards?
wad was actuallie wrong wif him?
wad was bothering him?
i didnt go for lect,
just to c if it was reallie him.
i took a glance of the lect hall n went out straight.

conferm. plus full stop.
it's him.
i head back to the hallway n wanted to sit beside him.
n to ask if he want to talk bout what's happening.
but den he by the time walk over already.
he walked pass at me.
n im just able to ask wad was he doin there by himself.
'asal nie' (wads wrong?)
den he just walk witout giving me a smile.

oh gawd.
i just feel feel so regret now!!
i shud've b there. sitting there!
aarrgh.
im so sorie.
oh God. please calm me down.

haix.
as days goes by,
the more i want to b able to know wad was actualie wrong.
internally.
haix.
please.
i just cant help worrying for u now.
especially now. todae.

Ya Allah.
Kuatkan lah iman kami.
Tabahkan lah hati kami.

aaargghhhhhhhh....................

i just wanna talk to him!!

N-O-W!!

or shud i just leave him alone for the time being?

hur hur.
i am so sad.
worried.
to the extreme.

=[

alryte. tdae's hady mirza's concert.
weee. cant wait to c how packed is the auditorium later. keke.
at last, we had our depression ICA.
some of them said that it was diff concept from others.
we did something bout website tingy.
i dont know la.
nemind. at last, its over.
n yea, i did play wif the cutter.
i was playing as the role of the depressed client.
whom she had to self mutate.
i guess it was nice to self mutate.
haha.
lol..alwrite. wadeva.

i think i cherish todae n yesterdae.
thanks God.
haix. its slowly gonna make progress.
i hope so.
the wish dat i wanted for him to wink at me was achieved.
thanks so much.
reallie appreciate dat.
n i dint expect him to look at me one kind afta that.
thanks for that!
hmpf. hur hur.
i do get wad u are hinting on me. hmpf.
n yea, todae. manage to get a ..........
thanks. gee. kekeke.
wont b able to sleep todae i guess.
hahaha.

so now, am waiting till 430.
the concert gonna start at 6.
im sure its so gonna b a load of ppl.
so gotta b there early.
n yea, of course he's not goin.
i think he's heading home to sleep.
coz perhaps yest yest he didnt sleep coz he had to b there 4 a fren.
'it just give me great satisfaction'.
i knoe how it feels.
but, dont u think dat in the end, u wud still not b satisfied?
coz internally, there u are suffering, but u still wanna help others.
please. i knoe u care 4 others.
but u urself. please care bout ur feelings too.
haix.
i just dont know.
but i guess i am worried for u now.

i guess now, i realie am hoping for u to open up to me.

=[

stupid me.
skewl was supposed to start at 10. but at 8, im out.
WTH.
fcuk. hate it.
so ryte now, im alone.
just now at least got ppl.
i blast off songs in the bone lab.
hmpf. nvr gonna b early again. boohoo.

i cherished yesterdae.
i thanked God, for making what i missed a reality.
not only i got the smiles. but the voice that ive longed to hear.
Thank you God.

now. im just waiting for him to open up to me.
to be able to share wad was in his mind.
im just am so worried bout him.

if u cant take it, just let ur problems go away okay?
let it go.
dont brood over what had happen.
let bygones b bygones.
take a new step.
dont stay too long on one hurdle.
there's lots of hurdles coming over each day.
people makes mistake.
humans. we make mistake.
its just a lesson to be learn each time we've done wrong.
facade.(lies)
i tot u hav been smiling all these while ryte?
u cant bear it? cant bear smiling outside, but what u felt inside was like a shit?
haix.
i just wish i cud b ur listening ear.
i just wish i cud help u wif soomething.
but i just dont knoe how to.
u just wont share it me.
i guess i wont bug u no more okay.
i'll still b waiting if u want me to listen to u.
dat, i PROMISE. =]

Ya Allah,
tabahkanlah hati nya itu.
kuatkan lah iman nya.
bukakan lah pintu hatinya.
Amin.

i wonder what would happen todae in skewl....

i hope u wud smile today.
n as days goes by too.
u'r smile is cute.
so be cute n smile.
hur hur.
=]

of coursse.
i miss him.

(as a fren.)
hur hur. =]

dvd player installed.
on my pc.
ibu's fren just installed it a few days back.
so now cud watch any dvd alreadi.
so nisa, afta exams, get ready.
ur cds are to b loaned by me!!
hahaha.

nothing much happen todae.
just goin to nenek's house.
not a single soul msg me todae.
so pathathic.
im waiting. waiting.
but non called or msged.

pathatic.
i m bored.
oh yea. met up wit eeta todae.
coincidently.
saw dat stupid girl. hahaha.
den at least i gav her wats left rather than i threw it away.
haha.
love u lots bitch! or witch!

im sick.SICK.
got it. haha.
S-I-C-K.
just flu non stop n throat pain.
i guess from the puffs n huffs.
im stoppin. again.
no relapse. nope.

yesterdae's bio was tuff.
i just hope i hav a pass.
dat wud b enuff.
puhlease.
n yea.
yesterdae i saw hym coincedently.
he looked familiar from far.
n when we reached at a particular place where we met,
i just had a few words to hym.
where r u goin?
off to skewl n im late.
dats the reply.
n he's off.
i wudnt want to run afta hym.
for wad.
too sick to even walk.
den he msged he's sorie coz he need to rush.
i dont mind. i dont. realie i dont.
but yea, afta i met hym, i just place his pic on my hp display pic.
just remembering those tymes. haha.

i saw him winking at her.
n she, flirtingly winked at him back.
making faces.
gosh. wad was i feeeling at that point of tyme?
'yuck's.
but haix. nemind.
ive added her at my friend list in friendster.
haix.
i dont knoe.
y did i did that? haix.

as days pass, he still wudnt smile.
when i look, he looked away.
wad was wrong?
n there wasnt smiles.
i miss those smiles.

yea.
i miss those smiles..

God hav given me the courage to still live.
even wif this pain internally.
i hope i will surviive this hurdles of lyfe.

ryte now at sch.
came in early to practice on our last minute preparation.
den had to do last minute paper work.
aiya. hate all these presentation.
not the whole class was present todae.
thanks. coz not all was there.
we had our presentation goin through as per normal.
nisa cursing, n swearing.
wow. wonderful!
haha.
overall. i think we did great.

nxt up is our bio prac lab test dis fridae n nxt is depression on the following wednesdae.


i wonder what would b happening todae.
hey. im NOT hoping for him to b in love wif me.
i knoe there wont b any place for me in his heart.
its ok.
i dont mind.
i knoe where im standing.
im standing far away, from his heart.
haix.
for normal human beings like us,
we cant stay on hoping.
we could only plan.
coz the one who is gonna make it happen, its all the decision of THE ABOVE.
Allah. the greatest. the Mighty-est.

so im not hoping anymore for now.
planning. just planning.
but its ok if it wont happen.
mayb it wasnt fated.
i rela.
pengorbanan? haha.

i'll remember this feeling that i had towards u.

i alwaes tot i wud be ready so strong enuf.
but sometimes i just felt i cud giv up.
but u came n changed my whole werld now.

its unbelievable.

i shared u part of my lyfe.
dat perhaps, im not suppose to.
i didnt knoe wad makes me talk to u bout it.
ever since den,
we werent like b4.
when our eyes met, there wasnt anymore smiles or even,
there wasnt anymore winks.
wad wrong hav i done?
why are u behaving like dis?

dont leave me.
ku seolah berdiri seorg tanpa teman.
if onlie u were to know what i am goin thru.
ah. chat also like want don want like dat.
cud i hav the strength to let u go?
perhaps i wuddnt hope so much.
the more i hope, the more i knw it wont happen.
mayb we're best to stay as frens.
frens. i wudnt wanna take any rships as for now.
perhaps,
i just cudnt take the pain.

i wud like myself to concentrate on what im taking.
DIPLOMA IN NURSING.
i just hope i get to pass it thru.
n wud den fly or flee to australia to meet my aunt.
i just wish to stay there.
to forget all this pain, this suffering.
c'mon, another one and a half year to go.
perhaps i cud b strong.
stay stronger.



this is for nur masyita aisyah binte johari:
kuwang asam lu!
lu ingat tu satu joke kape hah!
lu uat gua terkejot tau tak!
iiissshh. jng la lu uat gue terperanjat lagi!
gue tk tau ape nk uat tau klau skali dat was hym!
mak! kepala pusing lor!
naseb la baek tu lu!
siol la! haha. lu akan gua hentam nanti!
jaga la lu! hahaha.


i contacted hym back onlie a few days ago.
he was the one who msged.
but den my feelings for hym,
i dont knoe.
perhaps for now, i dont love him no more.
he's history,
i dont love anyone.
i love myself.
but i still am hurting myself internally.
gee. yea. i hope i wont meet hym again!
aaarggghh....
i hope u knoe what is love, n what is lust.


classes are getting tougher.
exams are getting nearer.
i hope i wud end this quickly.
i just cant wait for it to end.
please please.
i want my feelings towards u to end now.
i want to.
now.
perhaps i'll leave u alone.
now dat u've found urself smiling inside n outside.
keep smiling my dear fren.
when u smile, i'll smile.

=]

a few days in a row ive been c-ing my bestie n my bro.
gee. had fun playing pool wit them n zma n guy.
haha.
i any how play also the ball go in. keke.
wonder when can play again.
next tyme play bowling. i wanna try!!
c whether go in longkang or not.
haix.

ive not been chatting n geting any new from him.
gosh, i do miss him for now.
i dont knoe wad to say.
its getting stresser n stressor as daes goes by.
n im having flu.
thanks for the soaking in the rain.
haha.

ok, dis whole wk, nothing much.
i just wanna sae thanks to u. for tat sarcastic ques.
hmpf.
i dont like promises, in which in the end, ppl wont do wad they promise.
i still remember wad u promised.
i hope u do realise dat.
but its ok if u dont. i'll survive.
i hope.

haix.

its true, i cant b jealous, coz he's not mine.

i miss having someone to take care of me.
i just hope u're the one who wud take care of me.

tdae scuks.
i hate it.
i feel worse tdae.
i donnoe why.

my head is tangled.
i donnoe wad was wit me tdae.
i feel like talking to u.
but wad's there to say?

b p d.
borderline personality disorder.
sick in the brain.
do i hav that.
thanks for asking whether i've listen to the lecture.

thanks.

argh. i cant.
i just wanna scream.
out loud.

:'(

would u b there if i want somebody to b there?

i guess u wont bother.
thanks so much for the promises.

trust. never trust a person totally.

i wish i trusted u.

haix.
cant sleep.
somethings are just in the mind to make us wonder.
emotions.
feelings.
its diff to say them out.
its like u knoe wads the best dat u got for urself.

im trying to get closer.
but im scared.
now im unable to face it.
i cant c urself.
im too shy to face u.
y u did i go to?
oh gosh.

this feeling.
i myself cant understand.
i wanna knoe bout u.
who r u?
wad r all those thoughts?
those feelings?
those emotions?
those cries for?

i cant stand it.
now i feel the pain, not on my hand only.
but the pain of how much u tried to keep ur feelings from getting known.

i tried to understand. perhaps im stupid.

cud i say its love?
i dont knoe.
perhaps i cud just concentrate on my studies.

i just need a hug now.
hug me please.

-hugs-

"i'll remember dat dae u winked." (melts)

haha. enjoyed myself playing wit the rain todae.
cycled to teck whye to buy my coloured contact lens.
i bought tourquise. is it nice??
im not so sure.
gonna take pic to post.
so long nvr post pic.
hmpf niwae. bought two boxes for $4o.
guess a bit ex.
but nemind.
as long as i cud spend my money whenever im feeling down.
n as long as i cud cycle instead of sitting at home.
haix.
went down to eeta's place. of course cycle uh.
it was sunny b4 dat, den heavy down pour.
had to hide above blok to seek shelther wit my bike.
haha. den it was drizzling, eeta n i decide to cycle.
even thou still raining, we took turn to cycle.
1st eeta cycle i sit behind. den viceversa.
i had troble balancing, dat eeta was scared of her wits. haha.
but i manage to control okay!!
haha. den make my wae back home alone wit the rain dropping down.
haix.
at least i let myself go. i just need time to b alone, to enjoy, instead of thinking bout him.
tdae im not in my mood.
at least those puf calm me down a bit. haix.
but it cant throw my problems totally away.
haix.

tmr i wud c him again.
oh god.
please. if i cant take the pain todae, wad more tmr?
n the dae afta tmr?
n afta afta tmr??
haix.

wad are those winks for?
those smiles?
those looks?
that first week, a moment to remember.
but den, it was shattered till now.
i felt hopeless. helpless. loneliness back.

i just felt the pain.
a pain score of 1o.
i just cant look into ur eyes anymore.
its too painful for me.
do u understand?

i just want peace.

rest in peace perhaps.

i dont knoe y.

tell me.

r u guys together?
y do u both act as if u r?
i dont mean to judge.
ppl judge. everyone do.

i want answers.

answers dat till i dont knoe when i'll get it.

i'll just hav to wait in silence.

missing u n enduring the pain in silence.

the whole family gotten up late tdae.
supposed to go pasar early morning.
ended up at 10 den we headed to pasar.
haha.
now my parents are sleeping.
guess they not used to sleep early morning.

yesterdae in the cab afta got back from mak house(grannie's place).
we decided to watch 'nite at the museum'.
asked my aunt to follow but she doesnt want.
sorry it was a last minute thingy.
coz we dont hav other time to watch.
afta isya', we rushed out to catch the 920pm show.
reached jurong at 916pm. n the person said,
'sorry, 920pm show full house. u want another slot?'
erm which is at 1150pm.
gosh.
ibu said ok. so we bought it.
we had to wait for another 2hrs, b4 we get to watch it.
spend hour at the bench, ayah dozing off, ibu studying, i playing my phone.
went down to MaC to hav a desert b4 goin to the cinema.
as usual, 1150pm but 1200am den start show.
the show was great!
fun! funny! we laughed.
n i guess ibu n ayah enjoyed it. haha.
show ended at 0145am.
we had to walked out to the main road to catch a cab.
n we're back home 0215am.
haha. guess so nice having to watch a midnyte show.
didnt knoe ibu wud wanna watch dat late.
haha.

hmpf.
alryte. nothing much to sae.
i dont knoe wad to sae.
ive not contact anyone.
cant wait to go skewl tmr.
haix.
i just hope God give me the courage whenever i c him at skewl.
tests coming, projects coming.
most imptly,
exams coming.
haix.

im looking forward to meet u.
shud i?
or shudnt i?
i'll guess i hav to stay low.
as low.
as quiet.

its being a long tyme.
since ive update u all.
im back from Padang.
which dat was a country to relax.
n come back here to be stress.
haix.
the trip was fine.
n thanks to God, no natural disaster happened.
onli raining.
n yea, out of 6 daes, one of the dae i really felt ill.
was having vomitting n diarheaa.
i hate having to eat the singseh ubat (pochai).
its freaking yucky.
i ate dat to calm down my stomach.
but ended up, i felt worse.
n the vomitous smelt of that pochai.
i didnt sleep the whole nyte n pity ibu coz she had to urut my perot everytime i vomitted n complained of pain.
the pain was at my epigastric area.
not the gastric.
i dont knoe why.
hmpf. but im fine now.
haha. Alhamdulillah.

trip was quite fun.
didnt hav so much fun.
i donno.
it wasnt fun coz this trip totally makes me embarassed.
argh.
we went over to my granpa's sedare kampong.
we spent tyme n time sitting each house to update things.
i didnt knoe wad were my grannie n granpa talking to their couseins.
coz they talked in minang.
its their language there.
n they had this guy, he's my third cousin. he's the same age as me.
n he likes talking to me.
we just exchange numbers n email.
coz i just tot that he wanted to keep in touch as cousins uh.
i didnt expect him to come down to our hotel early in the morning b4 i woke up b4 we checked out, just to send us this box. oleh2 padang.
den i had to wake up just to eat breakfast.
n he gave me a teddy bear! wit a heart on it.!
my gosh.
nenek atok ayah ibu saw.
gee. so shy sae.
i tak kuase, i just stuffed it in my bag.
hehe.
den a few daes afta i reached home,
i think he called me.
i manage to hear his voice.
too scared n too shocked, i quickly put down the phone.
haha.
he tried calling back,
but i just heck care.
gee.
so bad uh.

so now, im back from another hotel at my bothe grannie's place.
hari raya haji was fine.
n new year was fine too.
guess cant b long. i wanna take a nap.


i miss him.
where are u??

there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

I love to work.(as if)
I love to be myself. yea. true.
I mite look decent, and good; but not a trace.
I stay awake till dawn,
I make myself busy till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm me..
And i just like to make myself busy.

TEMPORARY UNAVAILABLE. WANNA CHAT. CALL ME FOR A CHAT AITES.

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