it was superb.
that time where the fireworks was there.
looking up in the sky,
hoping that someone was there together to watch.
with me.























went out together with my work mates,
to a place which kids love.
we all were like kids,
enjoying the show.
the food was finger licking.
plus ex.
its okay, only once i'd b there.






















different pictures,
different characters,
different behaviours.
when can i know who is me.

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility, And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me, So I want to take this time out to apologize for things that I've done, things that haven't occurred yet...

its gonna be the end of the month.
a new month is coming.
new challenges.
new risk.
a new me?

haix.
i know that i have lots to update,
but noting came out of my mind now.
only one.
i miss them all.
you.
till now, i cant deny.

i think im crazee.
insane.
disorientated.
disorganise.
irritating.
stupid.
girl.

its been a long time since i heard from them.
no one texted.
no one called.
all seems so packed.
so i decide i shud sit down quietly.
y shud i bother them.
y texting them when they dont text you.
ego.
the feeling of msging someone every single day, is no longer there.
how much i wanting to know,
hey waht u doin?
eaten?
how r u?
r u getting fatter?
its gone.
each time i feel like texting them,
asking how r they,
how is skewl.
hows life coping.
they mite think i dont care,
but i do.
each time, each step,
reminds me of every single one of u.

it does make a great impact to me.
does it goes to u?
it remains a question.

im out for a while to take some fresh air.
i dont know what to do.
i just wanna say goodbye to every one.
leaving in the world has meant nothing.
i just feel lost.
lost in these world of mine.
no guidance.
no trace.


if goodbye is my last word,


will mom n dad forgive me for lying?


will bestie hav someone by her side?


will ayeisha'b have someone that will keep her strong?


(credits to ilias who did this photo)

will zaimy n pel have a place to hang out every friday?
will huda baby have someone to wipe her tears?
will ilyas brother have someone to sit down with him at limbang rooftop?
will yasin adeq have someone that wudnt leave him forever?
will sham forgive me for what ive done?

will things be better without me around.
sometimes i feel shit.
i just wanna run away.
i wanna fly.
up above.
or go straight up.
but running away from things wudnt solve anything.
that is why i dont know what to do.

i dont wanna be alone.
but i am.

guess what??!!
im at work!!
im in the ward. hahaha..
great huh.
working at night.
my eyes just cant open.
its gonna close soon.
n im bored.
i wanna get out n hav some air.
but er, im scared lei..
haix..
i'd better get back to work n see my patients..

can i have ben n jerry please..??

first of all, i wud like to wish my lil beloved ayeisha.
happy 19th birthday!!
i'd get u something soon aites.
im sorry i cant go out with u today.
im working nyte for today and tmr.
but dont u worry, i'd think of something.
enjoy ur 19th lyfe, what has passed when ur 18th, let it go, and move on.
i missed u!
_________________________________________

only god knows how bad i felt.
each days passed,
i feel worst.
im ashamed.
im scared.

this was my mistake.
none was his.
NONE. (get it!)
so, when u read, dont u judge him.
just judge me.
if u do, u'd get it from me.

i want no more of hurt.
even if it hurts others, it hurts me deep down in silence.

knowing that i wasnt being a cntrl queen wasnt what u said, it really calms me down.
god knows how i felt when i got to know from someone, u actualie said that in the first place.
i dint believe.
but now, u finally told me.
that wasnt what u said, it was different..

but why must he say that to me when what u said is just totally far apart?
it cudnt b that he misunderstood.
n just who is he to say to improve my behaviour.
what does he know bout my behaviour.
haix.

but i was disappointed to myself.
my mistake, my behaviour, for the change in you.

but predictions,
thats what u predict.
ive nothing to object.
nothing to force.
just go with the flow.

if somehow, somewhere,
i hope.

now, i dont know how many other mistakes ive done to u.
i felt bad coz of me, mayb ur brotherhood with ur fren wudnt b fine.
u promised, but u broke it.
i didnt know whether or not what i did was right.
i dint want to keep anything from u, that was why i told u. everything.
but i dint know that u'd confront him so soon.
im sorry.
i really apologise.
if i am in the wrong, just forgive me.

u wudnt know how worried i was when u said u wernt at hm.
i had the feeling that u ant at hm, that's y i asked where u were.
God knows how i felt at that point.
worrying bout u.
till i dint know what to reply.
till i slept with tears.
__________________________________________

it been a long time without you,
till now, i dint know where to turn to.
somehow i told u i cant forget bout u.
after all that we've been thru together with the others.

am i gonna b ok.
thinking is this what i deserved.
does it gonna hurt when it heals.
or its just gonna get better in time.

since there isnt u.
letting u free, and you cud live ur lyfe how it shud b.
no matter how hard it is, i'll try.
if i deserve to smile, i'd smile coz i once was happy with you.
and i am.

every day every nyte,
i'd stay by the phone.
looking and browsing thru.
now that ive known,
my deepest apologies,
is ther anything that i can do to make it up to u........

..im sorry..

i guess that there izznt any other reason.
i just want to say im sorry.
sorry to bug u.
i really am.
:(

the best thing is that we arnt fighting.
cud it b that we've been in this way b4.
i know u'd think that im not trying.
coz i just cant.
even thou i aint know u much,
u're just so impossible to find.
dont make me change my mind,
i cant.
bring me air.
i cant breathe.
tonite will be the nyte that i wish i fall for u again.
which i always did.
even in the blink of eye,
from the first time we met, till today.
get that in mind.

i aint no control queen.
i aint believe it.
coz i know im not that kind of person.
i dint.
did i?

every nite i think of the mistakes that i cud hav made.
making the stupid decisions.
stupid acts, mayb.
how long more shud this carry on?
ego.
hurt.
scared.
anger.
pissed.
love.

if love is blind,
make me blind.

__________________________________

someday, we always thing of something bad that cud happen to u.

someday, i'd think of what if im no longer ard, how wud people react to it? wud they b smiling, wud they b crying..

__________________________________

i am scared.
very.
afraid.
very.
:(

ive failed to b strong.
a girl like me, aint easy to let someone go.

i still hav yet to get the answers that i wanted.
being at home yest, really had me thought over.
wondering what are the specific reasons that suddenly u changed.
at first, it blooms, den it just faded.

shud i believe someone that i just known for a few days?
saying something that 'ouch it hurts'.
or i shudnt just believe in anyone, except by talking to u?
but will u?
will u talk n share.
what is bothering u?
problems? 3rd party? ashame?
i dont know the reason, except you.
you. yourself.
i dont know how to ask.
if only u'd share, this wont happen.
even if u said 'back to sq one', IS THIS SQ ONE?!
not texting, not meeting up with the rest?!
if u r running away from me,
please, dont run away from others.
they noticed it.
even the ones that u were once close with.
people are disappointed.
why are you acting this way????.
cmon bro,
can we have a time to sit down and talk...


thanks to bowey, my brother lurp, n zaimy.
u guys know just how difficult it is.
n how stupid i am.
i may not realise.
i am stupid.
trust me.
i am.

stress.
stress.
stress??

a lot of things in mind.
exploring the moments in life.
work.
work.
work.
tiring.
wanting to give up.
but still holding on.
holding on in lyfe.
as much as i can.

wishing the stars would shine on me.
sitting down at the place at nite.
even though the place is silence, quite pitched, i just looked up to the sky.
my only friend at that point of time was the stars. n the sky.
waiting for it to actualie drop ryte beside me.
wishing how i cud just get up there and b with the stars.

if u dint know,
thanks so much for everything.
treasuring the buckets of concerns that i had that time.
im sorry if we always bug u that we miss u.
not only me.
we.
not two but three.

if u dint know,
we wanted u to always be there.
but u seems to b drifting apart.
i still cudnt find the reason why.
cud u tell me please?
was it coz of boredom?
or is it coz that we r like one small kids that just get into ur nerve?
why?
this thing wudnt stop me till i get an answer.
but i know, u wudnt giv us an answer.
u'd rather keep it to urself?
please no.

pssst.
ive longed to ask u,
but i didnt dare.
do u miss us like how we miss u?


cud i get an answer?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

its been a hard day today.
tangling with emotions.
today started with a good day with driving.
a few more steps n im gonna wait for my TP.
i just cant wait for it to be over.

met up with my bestie, went to cotton on for awhile to shop.
i bought a hoodie last week, n i bought another one today!!
so haappiiee..
haaa..
i wonder what i do with a hoodie.
lol.

den heaaded down to where u know i'll head to.
limbang.
there's no other places like duhz.
met up quite late with ilias yasin n naddy, bow's gf.
went up to the place where all of us used to gather.
the rooftop.
everything was trashed out.
teardrops falling from the sky.
we missed those times.
that was when i started msging.
asking one by one where are they.
one is in camp,
the other working at bp.
till i pause to msg the last person.
he's working at ckcc.
we just wanna know how have u guys been.
wanting to tell how much we misses u.
only one bothered to say tat he misses us.
but,
the one that we expect to miss us, didnt.
we dint want u to forget bout us.
n please.
dont.
dont coz of what happened, the bond between our friendship together as a grp is gone.
but what acctualie happened.
nothing.
its just that we've been busy, n mayb some people just cant b bothered?
no one knows how much we misses those times.
do you?
does it even hav an impact to you?
does it leave a mark in you like it does to us?
questions are left unanswered.
u stayed silence.
staying apart from us.
why?
why?
i felt bad.
reallie bad dat mayb coz of me, u r staying apart.
but dont you know some people just needs u to b there?
some people is dying to talk to you? to joke with you?
dont you know that they misses ur smile, ur jokes, ur laughter, ur hugs?
they even used ur dancesteps.
it just reminds of u.
every step. every move. the expressions.
it mite seem stupid to you.
which i guess it is.
but this is just what i want to say.
come back.
to where?
not to me. duhz.
to those who need u more.
to US.

ILIAS, YASIN, N ME, wants US (7 friends) back again. can we?

.....Insya ALLAH.....

a few days back, i was sick.
goin to the loo to poo.
for almost half a day, i pooed 7 times!
i just felt so weak.
but i forced my body to work.
i dint bother to take mc coz i know i cant stay home.
and guess what!
i broke down in the middle of my ward yest!
fcuking shit.
i didnt know know what actualie happened.
i just broke down.
stress? perhaps.
i wasnt emotionally well when i came to work.
n when the stress the morning girls gave it to me, i just cant take it any longer.
feeling regret coz even the patients saw that i aCtualie shed tears.
but indeed they are concern.
thanks.
but how much i wish some people would be concern bout me.
i feel so lost.
i dont know where to go.
i need directions.
________________________________________________

Q : If your lover betrayed you, what would be your reaction?
> oh. thanks. i apreciate everything u did for me. if u think i can forget bout u, think again.

Q : If you had 3 wishes, what will that be?
> (a) hav freeedom (b) be myself (c) to find a life.

Q : Did you ever think to yourself and wonder if you're really real?
> if i am not real, i wudnt b here typing.

Q : Are you afraid of what lies ahead of you?
> of course. each n everyday i wake up wondering what would happen today..

Q : Would you change yourself for the person you love?
> if it is for the better, i will.

Q : Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
> being loved by someone, makes ur world stablised, coz u know he loves u.

Q : How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
> till i realised that he isnt the one that's for me.

Q : If the person you secretly liked is already attached, what would you do?
> i would sit down quietly, stare at the stars at limbang carpark rooftop with my lovely adk and my lovely brother lurp.

Q: Is there anything that made you unhappy these days?
> if u cud read from the previous entry. u think i am?

Q : Do you get butterflies in your stomach whenever you're around the guy/girl you like?
> everytime. what does that mean?

Q : Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
> looking at the way i am, i cant get those that i once love or like out of my head.

Q : Who are currently most important people to you?
> YOU.

Q : Have you ever wanted someone but you knew you couldn't?
> it just fails everytime. im used to it.

Q : What's the ideal perfect relationship to you?
> to be loved. honour. respect. trust. fun. loyal.

Q : Are you happy with your life?
> thank God that im alive.

Q : Would you give all in a relationship?
> if the other party gives the same, i'll give it too.

Q : If you fall in love with 2 persons simultaneously, who would you pick?the lousiest one?OR the better one?
> it depands in fate.

Q : What type of friends do you like?
> respectful. joyful. fun loving. understanding. trustful. honesty. lovely.

Q : Do you often wish there was something you could change?
> i just wish i could change everything.

Q : What do you notice when you first meet a guy?
> his smile.

__________________________________________________________

i realised i cant have everything that i wanted.
not everything goes as planned.
everything that was a joke, came out to be a truth.
it was betta to b now, than waiting forever.
realising that i had to do what i was supposed to do, i have to build myself up.
but as u r building urself, u get into a hole as u go.
u'll sit down n think again.
why. why. why. why is this happening.
u'd cry urself by the street hoping that someone wud pick u up and ask "are u alryte?"....
u'd smile to them, and say, 'i am' in a nice way.
knowing that he/she wasnt the ryte person who wud listen to ur sorrow.
___________________________________________________________

sometimes i just felt like shouting.
shouting till my lungs come out, my heart stops.
sometimes i just felt something wasnt ryte.
i miss them.
i miss them.
i miss them.
____________________________________________________________

there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

I love to work.(as if)
I love to be myself. yea. true.
I mite look decent, and good; but not a trace.
I stay awake till dawn,
I make myself busy till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm me..
And i just like to make myself busy.

TEMPORARY UNAVAILABLE. WANNA CHAT. CALL ME FOR A CHAT AITES.

adeq lurp
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sista lurp
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DiRAh
hAnzAhaR fUN sTUffs
hAlIeM
ho0DA
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KuntenG
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nUrUl
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